Disclaimer.

   A quick disclaimer: As this is Bélanger’s Brilliantly Boring Blog, Reviews, and Op-Eds-these are my opinions. Apologies in advance if you disagree or get offended by my words, because that’s what they are words, no one else’s. These words do not reflect my affiliations, nor their values, nor my actual political values, as I respect and care for everybody. Every now and then, we need to throw jokes around for the sake of humanity’s mental health, so let loose a bit. If you are not ready to read my quips, now is the time to close this page. Everybody else; you are in for a real treat! I cannot wait for you to read this! So with that said, let’s get crackin’!

Introduction.

   Entrance to gargantuan and elegance. A covered book labelled “tacky”. A rapid queue regarding intake. How my perception has matured and complexed over my time pruning aboard the wonderful Discovery Princess. This large ship has 15 accessible levels, 1 is medical, 3 are the main spaces, 8 levels house neatly-rowed staterooms and suites, and the last three host the aqueous spaces, including countless jacuzzis, multiple pools, lounging decks, recreation facilities, and mini golf. Outlined will be an artistically dictated perspective on my experience on the coveted Discovery Princess.

History.

   Let’s discuss the history of the Discovery Princess.

Princess Cruises was founded in the mid-60s as the Princess Patricia, a used ship from WWII, which a man from Seattle renovated into a classy cruise ship. Their logo was a whimsical moustache-sun. Later on, they rebranded and purchased the Princess Italia, then the Sun Princess. It was not until the early 2000s did they had enough money to purchase bespoke ships.

The ship I embarked, as you might know, was the Discovery Princess. Christened in 2022 by Randy Fenoli, Alex Guarnashcelli, Adam Savage, and Page Turner. I am highly opinionated by this bunch, good, bad, and neutral. It was all done in Hamilton, Bermuda, and she flew the British North American Flag front-and-centre, with the American and Mexican Flag along Port and Starboard.

The ship housed approximately 3500-4000 passengers and had a variety of staterooms, including some presidential suites, which I did get to peek at whilst on the Sky Deck. The staff, as well, have a secret pool up front, accessed by Deck 8.

Itinerary.

   The premier day was on the docks of the eccentric and mystical City of Angels. How the sanctuary of the highly-celebrated life next to low-income shacks, industrial cranes that touch Dieu’s mince fingers, and nouages viscous with white fumes, flatulating the former Jurassic creatures over flames and hectares of frankly disappointed flutes.

Is the land of make-believe just Los Angeles? The peasant quilt of infrastructure discouraged the use of feet or femurs. The temperature was lightly chilled; 14 centigrade, with light sun and light winds. Nice; the dream weather of 93% of Canadians.

   Let’s discuss the itinerary. The second day was out at sea, swimming parallel to the coast of the picturesque Sierra Madres in Baja California. The ocean was smooth, and the waves were not awful aboard that day.

   Day 3 (aka Christmas Day) was at Cabo, where it docked for most of the day, to allow guests to disembark, explore, and enjoy overpriced excursions. Myself, I have already explored much of Cabo, so I decided to remain on the sun deck for the majority of the day, and only disembarked for a momentary period. The process was an attempt to section patrons, although lines were long and unsettling, with guests impatient and eager to get wasted at San Lucas’ Señor Frog’s. The boats dropped from the Emerald Deck, down to deck 4, where it shuttled us to the centre. Cabo San Lucas is the worst Cabo of all Cabos. Why? It is riddled with drunk gringos, trapped with tourists and thirsty merchants, and unwalkable for longer distances with the roadblocks that are other tourists and merchants. Nature seemed miserable there, seals cried for the Marineros to save them from these drunk gringos, pufferfish had scoliosis, and pelicans (aka The Mexican Goose) were cute, as a positive to the peninsula that I like to call the “Urethra of México”. Your choice on what to call it.

I call it “Los Caboose”, as San Lucas is the ass of Baja, but the urethra of México. The beaches on the resorts are excellent; the best in the country, but the centre of San Lucas is disgusting, especially as it is a UNESCO World Heritage Site. Disappointing how it is neglected.

We rebarked onto the mothership and enjoyed the Sunset behind the Sierra Madres.

   Day 4 was out in the Sinaloan city of Mazatlán. The boat docked bright and early, 0830h, and we explored. Our objective was to find good Ceviche, as Mazatlán is known for two things: 1. El Chapo’s beach resort. 2. The best Ceviche in the world.

Obviously, the ladder was the preferred option in regards to shopping and noshing, not finding the freshly-escaped El Chapo; that’s too risky. He and his militia wouldn’t dare to lay hands on tourists, unless they press their luck, like I’d probably do.

The city of Mazatlán impressed me deeply, as a sort of redemption to San Lucas, and a model of what Napoli should’ve been: Clean, walkable, and friendly. Simple. We found our delicious ceviche, enjoyed cervezas with limón. A gorgeous stray dog made my mum and sister cry deep tears of maternal regret; they wanted her for their own, as she guided us to the port, hoping to get food in return. A sweet pup, although it was illogical to entertain the idea of shipping a dog back to Canada where it has never even seen nor fathomed the existence of snow. We already house a zoo: 2 dogs, a hairless cat, and 4 knuckleheads. Mazatlán was excellent, and the water on the Pacific was calm and warm. If I have the opportunity, I will most certainly return.

   Day 5 was in old Puerto Vallarta. The port was clean, and inviting. We spent the day on the beach and drank Modelo Negras and Pacificas. We walked through the discretely made Chinese goods labelled as Mexican and rode the Pacific waves in the hoards of crowds. Due to the beach’s depth, it did not felt as if crowds had tormented the space, and we felt ample. A Chinese woman with vain took sticked selfies beside us obsessively. When my grand-uncle stood and photobombed, she gave a face. A hysterical action for a hysterical woman.

We returned aboard for a few games and called it a night.

   Days 6-7 were days sailing out at the Pacific, and I got either seasick or fevered up. My dream and goal of being on this cruise was to get money back from what was spent, not by the casino, but with games. I always participated in all the games I possibly could, and I had my eyes on the prize: Deal or No Deal.

The universe had another plan for me. In the beginning of the trip, I had a Tarot reading done for fun by my aunt, just for the heck of it. Its truth was revealed, and I was unsure about what queries to express to the cards. I was thinking about general life, my paths if I was doing things correctly if my relations with people were strong and stable. Very broad, and not good for tarot.

It had given me this: XVI, La Maison de Dieu, and VI, Emotions.

La Maison de Dieu is a card about a man escaping a tower, and falling to his death from sheer rash decisions; perhaps he wanted to escape a life of boredom or looked for higher motives and ambitions. Emotions were signified by a mirrored rose. The conclusion of the reading stated that Life is Anti-Climactic, you dream of more, you act to get more, and you should follow your emotions to escape a standstill, but get ready to get hurt in return. Your fall might be of greater injury than you’d ever imagine. You might make a plan of elaborate sharpness and detail. You might fantasise of plans that will help you, and you are washed away of any sense of realism within your abstract euphoric mind on vacation.

I felt sick the night before day 7. I skipped dinner for my body felt weak. I cancelled my participation in karaoke, and just hoped that things would work out at the end; besides, they always do.

   I woke up on day 7 feeling better, sharper, and more energised. That was quickly short-lived.

I relaxed on my bed until Deal or No Deal, and I ensured that I was the first to sit at the theatre. I went to purchase tickets (I was unknowing of the fact that the game had cost a sum of cash, and was related to a casino game rather than a simple game show) and scanned my medallion. Weirdly enough, my account was blocked. How? I’m 18? This is ridiculous. Maybe it was a card issue…but what I concluded is that the universe was telling me that the tarot card was correct; my expectations were different, and that I was destined not to go to Deal or No Deal.

I then decided to use my sister’s pass to go to the Lotus Spa. For $150, it’s quite the steal for the relaxation you express from the service.

It made me feel good to have skipped the game. The spa had impressed me, and it had been 8 years since I’d entered a steam room, and oh did I miss it! The enclave included countless hot loungers, a gargantuan big jacuzzi with different jet types, 4 speciality showers with different modes, full of massage rooms (not included on the pass), A hammam (my personal favourite; a Turkish steam room with minty aromatherapy and loungers), a regular steam room, and a dry stone sauna. All were very relaxing and made me feel better, but not tip-top. I still felt chills and weakness. I finally ate after a 22-hour fast, and that Tomato Bisque hit the spot. The waves were monstrous and did not aid in my case for remediating my sickness. It had made me the most relaxed I’ve ever been on the cruise, but it’s too bad I felt this way. Perhaps, guests were unvigilant with washing hands and handling the buffet, or likewise to myself; very unfortunate.

   Day 8 was exhaust day, and we later rented a Niro EV (supposed to be a Polestar 2, but they didn't have any) to explore the City of Angels, specifically Santa Monica and Venice Beach a bit further before our flight back to Toronto (on the spectacular 787 Dreamliner, of course).

Embark.

   Circling back to the Embarkation day, the port housed the USS Iowa, a ship equivalent to the Kowloon Walled City in its modularity and colour. Guns and cannons were erected from every crevice, and decks were placed every which way, garnished with a set of ordered ribbons, as the ship has earned it on its service fighting in battles.

Beside it lay the resort, duck-like on the elegant plastified bay that the port had created. The blue Princess’ hair flowed stagnantly in the light wind, and invited us guests aboard into the intake process. She is a big-ass princess. Blue hair means she’s woke, and the size of her means that she ate the same diet as her father King Henry VIII, along with all the food for his men. She’d be a vicious woke lady; think troubled Jabba the Hut. These were the first impressions. All I’m saying is that she is P-H-A-T.

   Anyways, it was all surprisingly rapid, considering the 3000+ guests and the daunting line, the whole process ran by rather quickly. Similar to the traffic on Parkdale and Carling on the Queensway, it was slow, yet steadily moving at a constant 30 kilometres per hour. Was this the contemporary Mexican Re-Enactment of Ellis Island, on the West Coast? I then believed it was well executed.

I then picked up an AirTag-shaped disk called the Medallion. On it was my name, and embarkation date. A cute detail, without just a pretty face. It was able to unlock my stateroom, show my itinerary on countless screens, guide me along the ship, pay for items, and verify my identity. A brilliant use for an NFC.

We climbed up on a skybridge, relevantly named Monique. Monique sassily guided us onto the 5th level, in which we were greeted by carollers, another MedallionClass verification station, and a grandiose hollow atrium with music, life, and places to nosh and relax.

Food and Impressions.

   The food throughout the ship and the way it operated was a tapa to life of the agées; the old; retirement. Service was not especially quick, but was thoughtful, kind, and followed Western table manners, in order precedence, table-turning, and presentation of sustenance. An item I despised with the standard dessert items was the constant presence of a film of gelatin, and all cake frostings were gelatin puddings. I’m someone who isn’t picky, but textures like gelatin and overcooked squashes are things I cannot stand. I’ll ingest it if given, but I would avoid them if given the opportunity. Anyways, the presentation of all meals was especially inviting, with rings of sauce, reminiscent of Saturn in 87% of the dishes enjoyed on the cruise’s dining rooms. These rings are a staple for most chef’s cooking; it makes anything they cook, whether a wee cat turd, gold-encrusted tooth, or chicken à la king into something classy, and expensive. Something that deserves a half-hundred pricetag. Luckily, onboard the Discovery Princess, food from all dining rooms, the soft-serve ice cream, burgers, hot dogs, the world market buffet, and pizza, are gratis. Every other eatery has an extra price tag, as they are premium restaurants. Princess Plus and above are eligible for full wifi (1 device), and free drinks (Anything that isn’t unsweetened Iced Tea, lemonade, or water, as those are already previously included with all patrons onboard the ship). The food was good, especially at the buffet. Eggs were too perfectly circular, leading me to think that the chickens were modified to lay spherical eggs, and the food was well-seasoned. One negative detail was that the oil was always slightly rancid for the hash browns, but the texture was still spot-on. The dining room was either excellent or mediocre, much like a retirement home. The meal on Christmas Eve, our waiter was wonderful, entertaining, and always there to please. The Filet Mignon and Lobster tail were excellent, as I cannot resist free surf-and-turf. Yorkshire Pudding was soft, although the duck was a wee bit dry.       The desserts were all excellent, as always, although I wasn’t too fond of the Sugar-Free Bread Pudding that represented my country, Canada. And let’s relay back to ordering food; you may order as many plates as your leg-laying stomach desires. Why? To accommodate Mr. Big Stuff and his monstrous belly that cantalevers over his hips, is a challenge, yet Princess accommodated all with ease. How? Feeding them till they were at ease.

Accessibility.

   Segueing into accessibility, they accommodate wheelchaired humans, vegetated humans, and everything in between, with staff that aided them as a butler would (I would assume that a price was to be paid to do that), but hey, that’s a good thing! Languages were plentiful for people like my abuelita who cannot speak English to the degree that makes her understand much; she could, but she prefers Spanish, naturally. I would too, if my environment is purely Spanish, I’d request some English, or French perhaps, even though I’d make an effort to speak Spanish. All I’m saying is that they accommodate lots of different linguistic backgrounds, which I appreciate.

Design.

   Let’s talk design; my forte. The theme of the cruise’s design has nautical contemporary, and transitional elements. Most prominent is transitional; which envelops the complete ethos of the Discovery Princess. Even though she was christened last year as I am scribing this, she was most certainly designed (and in R&D) in the mid-2010s, when the transitional design language was celebrated and used by the Property Brothers and HGTV until its udders were shrimpy and dry. As she still looks great and relevant today, it all means that her designers did well to make the rather uninspired Transitional Design work for the timelessness of 2024. The lightly-stained oak accents, including the unique and rather gorgeous cylindrical crown moulding that surrounds the stateroom. Oh, the stateroom…

Stateroom.

   The room I stayed in was on the pleb deck of 8, or as it is more respectively known aboard, the Emerald Deck. Luckily, the deck was not verdant like emeralds, as that would make my seasickness augment !8. Because I shared the room with my two first cousins, once removed, we had 2 twin beds, and a Chesterfield loveseat that converted into a bed. The sleeping accommodations were comfortable, although, nothing to either complain or praise. There was a segmented split-level desk housing a drawer with a hairdryer (as the awful washroom did not have outlets), a mini-fridge (without concert-priced goods inside, and an abundance of outlets, including 2x 120V NA sockets, and 3 euro/international outlets, with lots of holes for pins (that unfortunately did not accommodate the North American ones). USB ports, not USB-C malheureuxement, lay below every nightstand’s lamp. A nice 4k LG TV, snake leatherette headboard, composite wall panels, and fabric herringbone rugging appointed the room. Flanking both Port and Starboard of the room lay the Balcony and washroom. Commencing with the positives, the balcony. As it was conservative in space, the space to lounge was more than conservative; it was socialist, meaning it felt larger than it was. The ocean aided in this illusion, making it feel more grandiose with the blinders separating you from your neighbours.

   Ok, time to bitch. But not yet! The closet space was excellent, with 17 coat hangers, nice spots to lay valises and garments, and three adorable lifevests that made one feel as if they were a buoyant brick when in their embodiment. Comforting stiffness hugged you with safety, unlike the washroom.

Where do I start?

   Imagine this: An Airbus A320’s Economy class washroom with an even more ridiculous shower. Walls are plastified with a dirty sand beige, and tacky 2”x2” ceramic tiles line the floor sparsely, only covering 1.5’ of the washroom. The rest? The plastic. The sink was the same plastic, even though it was nicely shaped into a rectangular basin. It was lined with glass tiles, the colour of light aqua, very 2008. There were three shelves, quarter-circle, in glass. The toilet was wall-mounted (that’s the best part of the washroom), and the shower is like one from a low-income rental, in the way it was presented. It was clean, unlike a low-income rental unit, and had nice accoutrements in the soap and gel division. Oh yeah, the ceiling in the washroom was also plastified; a little coffin of water and dirty sand beige resin. That’s the tacky element I envisioned when I thought about Princess.

   Here’s the thing, gang! That was the crappiest thing in this whole cruise! The washroom! So if you want to be petty and anal like me, feel free to not like the cruise for the standard stateroom’s washroom, but you’d be an idiot since this ship is so much more. The activities are constant and fun! The games are comprehensive and can get you great prizes. The Prosseco flows with every winner that earns it. The crew is kind, and is driven to make you comfortable and happy to be on vacation. The boat sailed smoothly, with minimal rocking at the beginning of the journey, and a wild amount at the end, unsettling to the sensitive person who commonly gets sea and road sick. Sick, right dude? Rock on.

Entertainment.

   Entertainment was great in the music department. The Take Five’s Jazz band transported me into my Spotify and my phone’s speakers; their music made me feel a good déja vù; as if I was at home. Not the design of Take Five, though, that was way too grey and cold. The music, wonderful.

   One element à propos music that I loathed was that I, the annoying piano noodler could not get to play on any of the 5 pianos, nor had they any instruments for us to fiddle on, unfortunately. The only instrument that I could practice was for certain, my voice in Karaoke. That was lots of fun, and the staff were entertaining, and maybe a wee bit outrageous. The entertainment crew were excellent, especially the hot cruise director, Cole… He was hilarious; they were all for sure, but he was great. That’s a good thing, especially in the age of social media, and moderation for the sake of blue-haired woke women and Karens. The gingerbread house-making competition (in which I egotistically believed that I’d win triumphantly) was entertaining and engaging. I attempted to recreate the iconic Barcelona Pavilion by Mies Van Der Rohe in Gingerbread, and the roof caved in. I turned it into a massacre, as a statement piece. The most creative, certainly, although, it was the most horrendous. Emphasis cannot be elevated enough when discussing the ship’s crew; they were excellent. Engaging, kind, and always there to assist and care. How do they have such high tolerance and empathy? I guess I’ll never know.

Casino and Money add-ons.

   The casino was, quite frankly, a sight to behold. Cigarillos fumigated the coloured air with sounds, lights, and chips, reflecting onto the freshly lacquered walls. Autistic nightmares were the casino, although, Rainman would enjoy it. A wide variety of games were presented, and I lost $5 on a little money claw. Too sad.

   Splitting into paid extras, as discussed a bit earlier, wifi is pricey, and there is a downside to going for Princess. 1 device is $108 for the trip, 4 for $256. There is free wifi, which limits you to the Princess App as your main compass, itinerary planner, ordering service, and communication device. I opted for the wifi, as I am an addict to my Mac and iPhone, unfortunately, and wanted to do some writing and Instagram on this vacation. Zero regrets, as I did need to search up a lot of points for arguments.

   Room Delivery Service costs $15 per day for activation, and then, it would be gratis for the rest of the day. A loophole for ordering room service was to speak to the cleaners or concierges directly or by telephone for items to avoid paying the crippling extra costs.

Final Words.

   It has come to the point, where we discuss the end. The conclusion. What did I think? Well, I can understand why people rave and return to Princess often. The way that Princess positions itself in the large Cruiser industry is brilliant; the perfect balance between kid and old, formal and fun, posh and loser. The way they use their nautical Yin-Yang is smart and works out nicely to make everyone happy. A trick I always check with how many kids will be on board is if there is a waterslide on the rooftop. If not, you will be with fewer kids. If so, you are in for cries, diapers, and chicken nuggets.

   Princess does not have a waterslide but does accommodate children quite well with their Discovery Camp section, for kids and teens. The upcoming Sun Princess will feature more kid-friendly amenities, such as the Firefly place space that takes up ¾ of a deck, and the Park19 space, with activities and a rock-climbing wall. A dome and brighter piazza will also be added, for better guest experiences.

   Princess has a good product, great execution, and makes a vacation overall quite pleasant. I will say, that it was nothing to cry home about, nothing made my jaw drop in awe and surprise. Nothing pushed me to the edge of reality; the pinches were legit and was back-up with how it was not too extravagant. It was excellent, just not breathtaking, but who is to blame? For breathtaking, you must shell out tens of thousands, get another cruise line, and plan far ahead. I would love to try a Viking Ocean Cruise and compare, as more items are included, and finishes are haute gamme. If I had the opportunity, I’d go back to Princess, but I’d try some more players, to see what I like. It’s like cars; You shouldn’t get your first car, and then stick to the brand. Try more brands; they might surprise you! If you are genuinely devoted, close to the dealer, or have done lots of research, disregard my statement, be my guest; heck, disregard my whole opinion, as it is exactly that, an opinion. It’s purely a frank perspective that I am proud to share, for you to get the whole story. So yes, the cruise was great. Yes, it was fun, the food was nice, the appointments were tasteful (disregarding the stateroom washrooms), and the staff were excellent. If you are willing to dish out $1000 per person for the normal experience, like I enjoyed, this is for you. I do hope this blog article will give you have an informed opinion on which cruise to take, and I hope that I have entertained you with my words!

If you would like more info and photos, look them up yourself, as I am too lazy and don't want to cite anything.

   Also, If you would like to contact me for more insight and word clarifications, including my footnotes that did not paste through, shoot me an email via the queries section. I cannot wait to hear from you!

Kindest Regards,

Santiago Bélanger.